This Isn't Where We Crash And Burn
by stylish-kid-in-the-riot
Summary: Post Born Again Identity Dean is struggling to cope with recent events, how can he pick up the pieces for both himself and Sam and become motivated again?


**A/N 1:**This was written for spn_summergen on LiveJournal for the prompt below by greeneyes-fan:

**A/N 2:**I had been thinking about doing a story themed around 7x17 so when this came up I had to do it!

**Prompt:** _Sam is ready to crash. Dean no longer knows WHAT to think or feel. How do they get through it?_

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Getting out of the hospital undetected with a giant dead weight who was still technically a patient was thankfully a little too easy in Deans eyes, and he offered up a thank you to whoever had helped them with that one. They've barely gotten into the car before Dean in tearing out of the car park, taking corners on two wheels, determined to put as much distance between his little brother and this place as quickly as he can possibly manage. He looks over to Sam and notices that he's trembling slightly.

"Hey, you alright?" he asks, trying to keep all the anger he feels at this situation out of his voice.

Sam gives a small sluggish nod and quietly answers a mumbled "Yeah... m'fine" as he shifts in the seat to get more comfortable, resting his head against the window.

They fall into a mutual but comfortable silence, Sam glad to be out of the hospital and to finally have his mind back to himself, Dean glad to have his brother sitting beside him instead of Castiel/Emanuel. It's at that moment that it registers truly for the first time what Castiel actually did for them, having been too caught up in getting Sam out of there, Dean hadn't truly considered the weight of his former friends actions. _'Cas you stupid son of a bitch, how can I stay angry at you after what you've done?'_

It's starting to get dark as Dean looks over to Sam again and sees his head falling to the side and then Sam jerks and holds his head up again. "Sam, it's okay to sleep dude... I'll be right here" he says sincerely.

"Yeah... I can't sleep, 'm not..." Sam starts and Dean cuts him off.

"Don't even start to say that Sam. You're so tired you almost died back there... and you've still not slept. Cas took Lucifer out of your head so it's alright for you to sleep now."

Sam sighs and looks at Dean who has turned back to look at the road "I know that, I just... I think I'm overtired."

"Yeah well we got while to go so sleep it off" Dean replies, fixing Sam with a glare that was caring but left no room for argument at the same time. Sam moved around a little in the seat, resting his head against the window and turning slightly to the side his breathing evened out in a matter of seconds and he was fast asleep. _'Can't sleep my ass'_Dean smirks to himself as he presses the gas pedal further to the floor as the car eats up the road on the way to Rufus' Cabin. He doesn't know how he's going to deal with the Castiel situation, but they'll have plenty of time to come up with a plan while he helps Sam recover from this most recent ordeal.

**Rufus' Cabin - Two Days Later**

Dean sits at the table nursing his third bottle of beer as he watches his brother through the dim light sleeping on the bed, he's lying on his back with the covers pulled up to his neck, it's something that Sam has taken to doing since he got here and Dean can't put his finger on why. Sam has spent most of the last two days sleeping, and right now if it wasn't for the very noticeable rising and falling of his chest, Dean would have sworn that his brother had passed in his sleep. He takes a drink of the beer and thinks _'Jesus Sammy'_, and runs his other hand through his hair as he sees Sam lying as a broken man on that hospital bed shaking his head against whatever the hallucination of Lucifer was saying to him. It feels like the thousandth time he's relived that moment since he got Sam back.

Looking at Sam again, Dean decides that if Sam refuses to eat again he'll force the damn food down his throat. It's not that Dean doesn't understand the reason for it, Sam explained the reason he'd had difficulty eating, and that hallucination to him, and if Dean is honest with himself, he can hardly eat his own food without imagining it now either. Sam also looks like he's been on the losing end of a fight the bruising under his eyes. Dean knows the reason for them being there, it's the same reason for Sams bloody fingernails and the reason why some of his hair has fallen out... Lucifer. The few moments that Sam has been awake he's woken up looking confused, looking around the room as though he's expecting someone else to be there. It takes all of Deans inner strength to stop himself from physically shaking Sam and telling him that he's free of it all now.

Turning back to his beer, Dean feels the events of the last few days finally hit him like a ton of bricks, it's been building up and he's kept pushing it back down but now it washes over him like a tidal wave. _'SamEmanuelCastielMeg'_the thoughts come all at once and he has trouble separating them. He feels the tears form in his eyes for the anger and issues with Castiel that he'd buried deep down under lots of whiskey and beer, never thinking he'd have to face them again... The anger fades when he thinks about what Castiel did for Sam, reliving the moment where the insanity flowed from Sam into Castiel like a red poison spreading through his veins and into the angels mind. Dean feels bad that he can't quite bury the anger that he still feels. He quickly wipes the tears away, he's Dean goddamn Winchester and he can't afford to have a breakdown right now, not when he's just gotten his little brother back.

**One Day Later**

They've been sitting at the table for about ten minutes and Sam has been pushing the food around on his plate, refusing to lift the fork to his mouth. Eventually Dean asks as he carries own plate back to the small kitchen "I don't get it, whats wrong with salad? You usually love that sort of stuff?" He looks back to Sam waiting for an answer.

Sam drops the fork and looks at Dean with a pinched expression as he answers "Salad Dean..." like it's supposed to make sense. Dean shakes his head with a questioning look, Winchester speak for _'you're gonna have to give me more here...'_. Sam answers the silent question "The hallucination... I... it was a salad sandwich the gave me to eat that night..."

_'Dammit'_Dean curses himself out for not realizing. "I... crap. I'm sorry Sammy I never even realized. Let me make you some soup." Sam starts to shake his head and Dean quickly adds "You need to start eating Sam, let me make you some soup and see how that goes".

Sam thinks about standing his ground on this one, but before he can even form the thought his stomach growls as though on cue, and Dean smiles an _'I told you so'_grin as he turns away from Sam. He looks around the room, still expecting Lucifer to appear and tell him that this was all a dream and then he'll wake up back in the hospital. He remembers the moment where everything became clear again and Castiel was standing over him with a vacant terrified expression on his face. He's so grateful for what their former friend did, and he does't know how he can ever being to thanks the angel for it. He's so lost in thought that he doesn't realize that Dean has come back into the room until the bowl of soup is placed in front of him and he hears Dean clearing his throat. He snaps back to reality and smiles a thank you to Dean as he looks down at the soup.

"You okay Sammy?" Dean asks as he takes a seat next to Sam.

"Yeah I'm fine... I was just..." Sam trails off before sighing and adding "...It doesn't matter."

"It matters Sam. Tell me?" Dean asks in his softest voice.

"I just... I mean what Castiel did for me. How can we ever repay him?"

Dean leans back in his chair, it's something that he's gone over in his own mind while Sam slept the last few days. "I dunno Sam, but when all this is over we'll find a way." Sam nods but he still has a doubtful expression. Dean asks "What else is going on?"

"How can you be so sure? I mean... with everything that's happened already, and we still have the Leviathans on our tracks... and now Meg is back. How are we gonna find our way through it this time?" Sam catches himself before he can let the tears form.

Dean straightens himself up and musters his most determined voice as he says "You wanna know how we find our way through? Cause this isn't where we crash and burn. We take everything that's happened so far and we use it, we use it as our ammunition to fight these sons of bitches and we use it to climb our way out of this. We get revenge for Bobby and we get revenge for what they did to Castiel. But mostly Sam... we're Winchesters and Winchesters never give up, we fight." Dean stopped his speech and looked at Sam and then down to the untouched bowl of soup, asking as he looked back to Sam "So are you gonna eat that or what?"

Sam huffs out a laugh and starts to eat the soup, savoring the taste. Dean smiles as he watches his brother, finally feeling strong enough to carry them both again until Sam is steady enough to carry himself.

**END**

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**A/N:**As always I hope you enjoyed this, and please let me know your thoughts, I always appreciate feedback and suggestions...


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